Richard, You Suck.

I was originally going to title this post Dick, You Suck. but I do have some boundaries. (Am one classy broad--as I sit here with a broken hair tie and no bra...or underwear). #fridaze

P.S. this post is probably the most crude, yet honest, thing I've ever written (for the interwebs at least) so if you're my parent, grandmother or former Sunday school teacher, I would kindly suggest you look the other way and go pray for me or something.

I like my men like I like my coffee; cheap and refillable.

Kiiiiiidding.

But for as much as I like men, I kind of sort of hate their mother fucking guts.

Not all of them, though.

Just the ones with penises.

Lately, I've realized that I seem to be some sort of magnet for shitty men. Like that odd shaped magnet a friend gives you from their vacation and you put it on the side of your fridge because it's weird to look at but if the friend that gave it to you comes over you want them to know you put it up there, ya know?

And I'm like is it me? Am I just not worthy of love and respect and decency?

The answer to that is HEEEEEEELLLL NO.

I am beyond worthy of it. Not to get on my high horse here, (because I'm not high and I don't have a horse) but I am one kick-ass mother fuckin' humanoid. I'm kind, funny, sarcastic, smart, caring and not to mention drop dead gorgeous (that's debatable, although I will say I do have a face for radio).

So when I'm swiping left on Tinder because it's a series of douchebag after douchebag after douchebag (serioulsy they should just change the name of it to Douchebags R Us or Douche Swipe or something) or getting mistreated by men who are actually just little boys in disquse who happen to be covered in extra meat, I get a little discouraged.

And by little, I mean A LOT discouraged.

Holy hell, the shit these mofo's say is beyond repulsive and sickening. And then you start talking to one, thinking maybe he's not a douche after all and then all of a sudden WHAM BAM THANK YOU M'AMM--he's a sleezy bastard.

I don't believe that all men are douchebags.

But I do believe that 99.9% of the ones that populate this planet, or at least the ones that I've encountered, are. Or maybe they are actually good guys.....who just happen to have douchey tendancies.

And I'm just sittin' over here twiddling my thumbs like WTF.

I mean seriously, WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK.

There's no generosity, no chivalry, no effort at all!

It boggles my mind that men think they can treat a young, strong, independent woman this way. It truly sickens me. And eff me for taking their bullshit.

Granted I'm on a site like Tinder, so what should I expect, right?

Well fuck that. I have been (and currently am) on several different dating sites and I expect a man to fill out a personal bio with actual words and fully formed sentences. I expect them to put up pictures of their face and them out doing fun stuff with their friends and not just their freaking motorcyle or a mountain. I'm not lookin' to screw a fucking mountain, okay? I mean on a mountain maybe, but that's beside the point.

For Christ's sake, get to know me a little before you ask within the first three messages if you can "stick it in my ass" or whether I prefer "sex or blowjobs". I think we all know the answer to that one...idiot.

On the other hand, thank you. Thank you for your bluntness and straight-up honesty about just how douchey you are. I appreciate you making my decision to say no to ever having your penis anywhere near by body much, MUCH easier.

,

And it happens in person, too. They make inappropriate glances or unwelcomed advances or just plain creepy stares. They're socially awkward creatures and egoentric and deeply afraid of rejection and all amped up on our over sexualized world.

They've grown up in a society that has molded and encouraged their mysogynistic minds. They've been taught and exposed to certain ways of living and how to treat a woman (the wrong way). From a young age they're expected to lose their virginity early and hit each other on the shoulder in support of their dick-ish "victories" and cover up their insecurities with muscles and macho-ism and....

[saving that rant for a rainy day...now back to me]

I was supposed to meet up with a guy last night. Said guy asked me if I wanted to come over. I asked him to let me know when I could. He said ok.

And that was it.

I waited in the Taco Bell parking lot for an hour waiting on his response/catching up with a good friend on the phone. So, not a total loss, but still. (Mind you, this is the SECOND time I've done this with this guy, I mean pathetic man child ). And get this--I didn't even order anything while I was there because I'm trying to accept the fact that an 11pm meal from Taco Bell is probably NOT the best thing in the world for me.

Sidenote: I thought this grown up/adulting decision would make me feel empowered and healthy.....but it just made me feel hangry and depressed over my unfufilled desire to chow down on a quesarito dipped in sour cream.

Alas, as my chronicles of douchery continued, I was also supposed to meet up with a different guy tonight, because he couldn't meet up last night and said tonight would work better. But apparently by work better he meant not work at all. Because he bailed, too.

So here I am. A 25 year old driven, determined, and lonely as hell woman who is fed up with the bullshit. I'm a pretty simple gal and one helluva catch. I like to have a beer, watch some TV and then do the deed. Seems like a pretty simple set up, eh?

I can't really/don't really want to be in a relationship because I'm constantly moving with no clue where I'm headed next and frankly, I'm a little freaked out about falling in love. And by 'a little', I mean a fuck ton.

I'm scared of investing my time and energy and heart into something that will ultimately end. Morbid? Yes. But true? Also, yes. I'm even more terrified that I've spent the last few years wasting my time and energy and body on douchebag after douchebag. I was lucky to score a pretty great guy with my first (and so far only) actual boyfriend. But ever since he broke my heart i.e. threw it in a blender and pushed 'ice', it's just been one disapointing douchebag after another. And I. am. sick of it.

My heart hurts. My soul is crushed. My body is fed up.

I'm at a crossroads here. I'm annoyed/frustrated and beyond sick of constantly being alone but I'm also too scared/worried/freaked out about being in a committed relationship. I mean I'm going to build a freaking tiny house on wheels for petesake and let me tell ya right now--it's gonna be built for one.

So if I don't want to be alone and I don't want to be in a relationship....then what do I want?

Well isn't that the million dollar question. I want someone that asks me out to lunch or coffee before he asks me if I'm 'into nsa'. I want a guy that can engage in meaningful conversation but also open my Coors Light after I've just finished painting my nails. I want someone I can hang out with and connect with on a personal level first, and a physical level second.

Dating should be fun. You get to know different people and do different things. You get to see what sort of things you like/don't like in other people and in yourself. These last few years have been a series of drunken one night stands and a few regular fuck buddies. That's not dating. That's just a time killer and a temporary void to fill the loneliness and it ultimately leaves you feeling even lonelier than you were in the first place.

Funny how that works out, huh?

I think our generation is royally fucked in the art of dating. Social media has royally screwed us over. We scan through blurry photos and half-assed bios and take what we can get because it's midnight and we're lonely knowing that we'll never meet these people in real life, but it's fun to talk to them in the meantime, I guess.

But is it, really? Is it?

No. It fuckin' sucks. While I believe all the great things I think dating has to offer, I also sort of don't see the point in it. I mean solely dating to marry is ludacris in my opinion, but I've never been one to plan on marriage. And I know I deserve more than random hook-ups and one night stands, but what's the point in wasting time and energy with something that I already know in the first 5 seconds isn't going to go anywhere? It's also extra shitty when I know I'm going to be leaving a place in five months (eeeeeek!!!!!!!!!) so there's really almost no point in trying to meet anyone.

Although, while I'm so sick of being completely and utterly alone here, I'm also not going to try and be in a relationship. I will not, I repeat, WILL NOT be like the hundreds of women in this town who just came here to be with their boyfriend for a year and then thirty-five years and six grandkids later they're playing the organ in the church choir. No. Effing. Gracias.

I'm not leaving any room in my life for anyone else, which is my own bag of issues. But it's because I'm not going to stop moving or doing or dreaming for a guy. I haven't in the past and I'm not going to start now. Granted, it's led me to this lone wolf lifestyle, but if there was ever someone that was truly meant to be my partner in this world, then I wouldn't have to change my ways. Compromise? Yes. Settle? Never.

One day I might find someone who will join in on this craziness with me. Who speeds me up rather than slows me down. Who supports and encourages and just straight up loves me and alllll of my ginger trials and triumphs and hangovers and happiness and good days and bad.

But until said guy comes along, I can't keep wasting my time and energy with douchery. So I guess I'll invest my time and energy into getting to know myself, healing myself and bettering myself.

I'll also need to invest in a good vibrator.